Title: Finding My Smile

Author: Gina Rain

Category: MSR, V

Rating: PG-13-ish

Disclaimer: All characters herein are property 
of the witty, inventive, endlessly frustrating 
minds of CC and Co. Besides, you don't want to 
bother with my teeny tiny story.

Spoilers: Requiem, and I suppose, the Pilot--if 
we're being picky.

Archiving: Sure…just as long as it's not in a 
Hall of Shame for fanfic or something.

Feedback: GinaRain@aol.com

Notes: This has not been beta read, so all 
mistakes herein are mine and mine alone!



 Before I even open my eyes, a cool breeze 
quietly, but persistently, tempers the warmth 
surrounding me.  While part of the pre-
conscious me wonders what could be the cause of 
this mixed sensation, the "me" part of me…just 
lays back and enjoys it. One of the strange 
contradictions that IS my life.

My eyes flutter briefly and see the raised 
window. I smile as I remember Mulder's speech 
on the benefits of fresh air. Ironic, 
considering fresh air is the last thing I would 
associate with the vision of his apartment. 
But, while he is in my bed, the windows need to 
be thrown open.  I smile even more as I 
acknowledge that he is also the source of my 
warmth.  It is still all so new. His breath 
caresses my cheek… his head burrowing  into the 
crook of my neck…one arm, one leg…draped over 
my body.  He is a man of sensation…even in 
sleep, he seems to be breathing in my very 
essence. For the first time in my life, I want 
to give of myself totally…because any part of 
me that becomes part of him means that an equal 
part of him will be mine in exchange. And, 
yet…both of us are allowed to keep the 
"original." A strange paradox. Nothing is taken 
away…so much is given. 

"Hey," he whispers in my ear.

"Hey, yourself," I say, turning in his arms. He 
leans forward and plants a slow, lazy kiss on 
my lips…a dreamlike mixture of chocolate 
melting in the noonday sun and balloons being 
released high in the air… all at once. I lean 
back and look at him.

"You've found your smile," he says, with a 
small look of surprise on his face.

"I've been smiling at you for quite some time, 
Mulder." I reply, running my forefinger across 
his lower lip.

" I've known there was something different 
these past few weeks, but I haven't been able 
to pinpoint exactly what it is…. until now. Who 
would think it would be something as simple as 
a smile."

"A bit slow on the uptake, aren't you?" I 
mocked.

"I guess…" He snuggled his head against my neck 
again, just breathing me in.

"I didn't know it was lost," I murmur to him. 
Had I been that dour all this time?

"Well…maybe just misplaced…but, it's nice to 
see it back full time."

I push myself up against him. I want more of 
his essence…and I want my smile to seep into 
him, and become part of him…full-time.


. 

There are a thousand ways to describe all the 
physical reactions that take place in the human 
body and comprise the state commonly referred 
to as "love," or being "in love." But, at its 
heart…is something mystical…something 
unexplained. When I was 12, and under the spell 
of too many romance novels and too much of my 
sister's "boy talk"…giving in to the urge to 
try and conjure up the "man of my dreams"…Fox 
Mulder was not the vision before me. Not at 
all. "Mystery man" was not a man of mystery at 
all…he was practical… sturdy…. a breadwinner 
and a supporter of my ambitions--all at the 
same time. He was a good father to our 4 
children. He would sit in the living room on 
Saturdays, with a selected group of highly 
intellectual friends and no doubt scoff at the 
eccentrics who believed in UFO's and anything 
not grounded in bona fide scientific 
explanation. And, I would sit beside him  (not 
the least bit disheveled after taking care of 
the four children, the golden retriever, and 
the 12 room suburban home), laughing and 
agreeing with my husband, waiting for the 
appropriate moment to make a witty comment of 
my own. 

It seemed like an ideal life-- until I walked 
into the basement office and made an instant 
connection with the smartass who lived there.  
The dreamer and the realist. He--always 
reaching for the sky. I-- grabbing hold of his 
pant leg and bringing him back down to earth. 
One accepting almost everything on faith…the 
other needing explanations and solid proof.   
And, yet…it has worked. And, it has been 
incredible.

It has been a miracle…all of it. Our 
meeting…our connecting…our staying alive in 
impossible situations…and mostly, our love. 
That is the one thing I do not question. I have 
enough proof, and frankly, explanation is 
beyond this realm. It is a matter of very 
simple, highly complicated…faith. 

As I lay sleeping in the hospital bed this 
morning…I knew…I knew the minute he was taken 
from me. 

A bright, bright light pierced the darkness of 
my closed eyelids…and almost immediately faded 
away…to the vision of our basement office and a 
familiar sight. Mulder's poster…."I want to 
believe." I do believe, I realized….I believe 
in it all. I can no longer not believe. I 
believe in him.  I believe in us.

He will be fine. I will find him. I will move 
heaven and earth. …one more time. I have to. He 
is, quite simply, my life.
 
I sit back and try and think of the human 
reaction to shock. But, my mind puts it all 
aside. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. 
Between the desperation that is sure to 
come…the confusion….the depression…maybe I will 
put myself through a battery of tests to find 
explanations for the unexplainable.  But, 
today…there is just a warmth. The cold breeze 
of reality hasn't hit me. Just before going to 
sleep, I was given news of another miracle…one 
that sustains me. One that I have yet to 
question. This is just another in our chain of 
miracles.
 
I smile at the vision of him holding his child 
in his arms…the future…the person who will help 
make every ounce of  pain he ever felt 
disappear. The person who will never know the 
terror of losing everything in life…of 
constantly struggling to find answers to 
questions that are almost impossible to answer. 
Mulder…and I…will make sure of that. 

 Will he laugh at the news…cry? Have that 
strange, puppy dog expression on his face? I 
close my eyes. You will make a wonderful 
father, Mulder. I can't wait to tell you. Or do 
you, somehow, already know? It wouldn't 
surprise me. 

I smile again…maybe tomorrow will be time for 
the tears…but, for this moment, I can't think 
of it. I am too full. 

I'm carrying the warmth of our personal 
miracle….the merging of two souls into one new 
body. 

 I know…in my heart, and in the "me" part of 
me, that there is another miracle…waiting for 
us….out there.